Waiting

I'm nearing 39 weeks of pregnancy and the waiting game is beginning. I feel, of course, unjustifiably overdue since Sawyer was born at a convenient 37 weeks, right before I got to any point of true uncomfortableness or annoyance at my growing belly. With Sawyer, he just came before we even thought about packing for the hospital, before we started to wonder when labor would start, before strangers even considered asking when I was due (with a hint of sympathy and discomfort in their eyes).

This time around preparing for a new life to enter our family is different, mainly because we're a family of three with a little boy who I believe has NO clue what is about to hit him. We don't know the baby's gender and we don't really have a nursery ready (due to living with my parents, but it's not like a newborn needs one anyway, right?). We've tried to talk a bit about the baby coming, but if I were a betting woman, my guess would be that Sawyer will not be a fan at first. He's not one to embrace the unfamiliar and I suspect this will be no different. I'm praying that he will come to embrace his new sister or brother soon enough and not be too thrown off by the whole life-change, but who could blame him if he is? I believe it's a huge gift to give a child a sibling, but I'm definitely anticipating a bit of a bumpy road with his transition to this new way of life.

As I wait, I'm enjoying life with just the three of us. I am comforted by the last days I get to spend with my precious Sawy-boy...just us. I'm sure he'll miss our days of just the three of us, but I will too and I'm nostalgic for the three years I've had with just him. Such a concentrated (but healthy and balanced) love is something that I think you necessarily can only share with your first-born child while it's the only one. It's not that I won't love the second as much as the first, but really...I'd be kidding myself if I thought things would be the same once the baby comes or that this sweet second child will have as much 1-on-1 time as Sawyer did. It's just the reality of time and capacity. I'm trying to soak up every moment I can with him...despite not being able to  run and move around as much as I'd like with him.

As I wait, I'm preparing my body/mind/spirit for the amazing experience/responsibility of giving birth to a human being. How insane is it that a woman's body can create and sustain another person?!  Recently, I find myself looking over at Sawyer and TK and thinking, "you two will never physically experience the pain and pleasure of childbirth, and you have no idea what I am about to bear!" Carrying and delivering a baby is an awesome privilege. I had a very positive and empowering birth with Sawyer, something I give great thanks to my husband, our midwife, and our doula in helping with. It was an experience, though painful and intense, that I left knowing my body could do amazing things, and I'm hoping this time around will also be empowering. In the meantime...I'm trying to relax and reinforce in my mind that women have given birth without medicine for thousands of years and that my organs were made to embrace this coming pain and to deliver a precious life into the world. I've been trying to surround myself with positive reinforcement (some shown here) that says I can do it and that labor is not something to fear.

As I wait, I'm hopeful for the changes we'll embrace once this new life enters ours. Before I had a Sawyer, it was hard for me to imagine loving a baby right away or even grasp how that love would "happen." I know it's a common feeling, but now I can't imagine loving another child as much as I love my little boy. I've been told it's not "dividing" your love but that your love multiplies with each child...and I believe the wise people who claim this. Just like an overwhelming love came naturally for my first, I'm confident that that same love will pour into me when this sweet baby is delivered and that nature will take it's course. Despite my confusion on how you can love another child as much as your first, I am excited to snuggle up with a tiny little one, breathing in that fresh new-baby smell. It's an miracle to watch a person grow from being a newborn into a talking, thinking, and self-directed person, and it's a responsibility I don't take lightly. What an honor it will be to care for, sustain, and guide this new person in his or her life! Alright kiddo...make an entrance soon please!